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You need to be confident in who you CURRENTLY ARE, not in competition with your past.
If you hold onto one thing that makes you feel safe, you'll find that feeling turns to hate.
You gotta let some of the good things go.
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one mentality that really irks me is one that i like to call the "you drank it all" mentality and me dates back to when i was a little tyke. suppose there was, say, a gallon of milk in the refrigerator. now, assume that over the course of the week, everyone in your home participated in consuming said gallon of milk. toward the end of the week, there is MAYBE enough for a glass left in the jug. you drink it. suddenly, you're being pummeled with hasty accusations and claims that you drank "all the milk". you get me? as i've gotten older, i've begun to liken the gallon of milk to all sorts of other things; namely, personality traits. i try to be as honest as i can be about who i am these days, without giving away too much. i just end up getting annoyed, or becoming a parody of myself or whoever it is that annoys me. it shouldn't frustrate me when people don't catch on to a joke when it's sort of on them. but it kinda does. i just am who i am. i didn't choose to be me. why are there such negative connotations in embracing it sometimes? i think i make more of an attempt to empathize with other people than most of the people that i know. waving around some required reading and spouting semantics about how you're on a higher level than everyone doesn't make anyone look smart. it makes them look pedantic, ostentatious, and maybe even a little classist. fuck the fifth dimension.
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raise your hand if it annoys you when your friends act like they're something that you're not. gimme a break. just gimme a break.
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star crossed lovers. doomed by distance. i don't want it, but i kinda miss it. you'll never catch me saying it out loud, though.
eye contact in an elevator. searching for buzz lightyear. stay warm.
"brilliant social commentary, bird. the master satirist, your jokes are always so close to reality." compliment collector. i wonder if they're worth as much lately. an exercise in self-indulgence. spell-checker. he told me he liked that i was the only person whose facial expressions he could picture over the telephone. he said i must be a romantic because i can't remember who we played with last night, but i never forget a girl's birthday.
she told me that she liked that i was always nice to people, even though i thought things weren't going my way. i always remembered that. i told another one that she didn't want "this," even on nights when she felt like she did. i wanted her to trust me, but not that much.
taxi-cab confessions. drivers. workers. outdoorsmen. foot draggers. solidarity.
"i'd recognize that 'shuffle' from a mile away." don't care about 2012, oscar. it's 2009, the year of the goose.
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Wednesday, February 25th, 2009
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she offers me a steady fuck, all i want's a million bucks.
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i really hate it when people say this. you know, like when you're sick? it really irks me. what else am i supposed to drink? meat?
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Monday, February 23rd, 2009
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Sunday, February 1st, 2009
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i think i want to start playing world of warcraft. i dunno where to begin really, so i guess i'll just jump right in. i've never really gotten into a mmorpg, but i've been getting back into time-consuming/wasting games again lately and my saved state in mother 3 got erased somehow. can't really justify playing through half the game all over again right now, just to get to the really good parts.
i'm not a discharge, i'm not a loss in protein. see my face, not a trace. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!
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leave it to jonas to indulge my bad habits. how many convenient stores can you stop at, staggering home?
i cherish my time alone these days. i have little to no desire to be around anyone besides my really close friends and the people i work with (but the latter only because i can make them laugh). just the dialogue is enough, on most nights. the gaps get filled in easily enough, and i know i've got a good thing going for the right now. anyway.
so, like, this kid got taken away from his family. i guess i misunderstood what i read, initially, but i had thought it was because they had given him a questionable name. so, maybe the point here is moot. but can't anyone see the irony? i can't think of anything more indicative of a fascist state than removing a child from his or her family based on something that is implied in the first amendment of its own constitution. the parents should probably be kept a close eye on by dhs, or whomever. the kid will probably end up growing to resent them, anyway. something just feels a little fishy about conditioning a kid that way, on either side of the spectrum. i can't entirely put my finger on it, but there's a moral/right dilemma. heart and mind disparity.
anyone watch the show "cash cab"? this show makes me giggle. it's weird how it keeps coming up, lately. it's kind of a stupid show, and i don't particularly fall into the demographic profile of that sort of programing. it just makes me laugh, though. really just because all I can picture is some poor schmoe who is late for work one day hailing a cab and getting in, only to be assaulted with flashing lights and white noise: "it's cash cab!" "...oh, jeez. i'm just trying to get to work, i don't give a shit what year the aztec empire fell." i know, i know, it's all fixed or whatever. but that just lends itself to the whole other side of the spectrum.. some whack-o boundlessly trying to hunt out the "cash cab". getting into taxi after taxi, hoping in vain that they might have a shot at fame and fortune. it's hilarious. "is this the cash cab!?" "no, buddy. but i've gotta game we can play. i drive you someplace and you give me money. it's called 'regular cab.'"
work is funny, because it gives me an opportunity to indulge my superstitions. my inconclusive paranoia. it can't just be me, that every time i park somewhere remotely blocking one other car, that THAT particular car would need to relocate itself within the next 5 minutes or less. can it? i guess these things are just bound to happen. am i on to something when i say that north st. is a guaranteed $5 tip, regardless the exact address or the cost of the order? i don't know, but i haven't been wrong yet. just ask anyone i work with.
there's one scene from taxi driver that might be my favorite scene from any movie ever: "may 26th, four o'clock p.m. i took betsy to charles coffee shop on columbus circle. i had black coffee and apple pie, with a slice of melted yellow cheese. i think that was a good selection. betsy had coffee and a fruit salad dish. she could've had anything she wanted."
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Friday, January 30th, 2009
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when you live in a town filled with medusas? you turn to stone, i guess.
heeyalata.
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Monday, January 26th, 2009
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My favorite actors are those who are not celebrities. My favorite musicians are those who are not rock stars. Media engulfs me. The trick is learning how to make these thing analogous with my regular, everyday life. I want to meet the man in me.
I got what I needed and, as simple a thing as it was, I feel much better. Sometimes that is all it takes to change your perspective. Just a feeling. Even if it means sacrificing a little bit of your character.
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
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Monday, January 19th, 2009
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already. just be over. i'm sore as all hell. frost-bitten. i look like shit. i've fallen down in the snow like 10 times. i show up covered and i don't even feel like drinking. but then, somehow, i do. and then i just keep going. i need back-rub and a blow job. but i don't feel like putting in the effort to make that happen. too strung out to lie.
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one of the biggest fears i've acquired over the past six years of living in portland is people misconstruing how i react to any given situation. when it comes down to it, though, i'm glad i have a hard time hiding how i feel. it's a big part of who i am.
i tend to fall in love with people with starry eyes. but those are the ones that burn out the quickest. what i need is someone who lives on the moon.
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why do i do this? why am i fighting? why are you fighting? half the time i just wanna walk away, but i don't think i can. i'm a glutton for punishment.
really, i just wanted two things tonight. but, as usual, i stuck to the routine.
everybody feels this way, though. remember? the people you hurt the most are the people you see the happiest. this is just an exercise in self-indulgence.
accept it. i live in a cave. i don't think i can move.
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Sunday, January 18th, 2009
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life kinda cracks me up sometimes. i mean, like, when i just sit back and watch it. and don't let it bum me out. bums me out. bums meowth. lean back in your bar stool for a second. survey the scene. every single one of your peers is just as insecure and confused as you are. IF NOT MORE. live the chaos, man. because you can't do anything to prevent it. you'll find yourself enamored, empowered. like a bad inside joke. somebody close to you gets it, not everyone has to. it's like i said before, ya know, nothing else really gets me down but me. i'm nothing close to unaffected, but nothing short of bemused detachment. that is not to say that i don't care, because i do. i'm just that much closer to not being bound by the ties of pettiness. i'm pretty secure with the middle, i think.
my sister and i are going to start a business together, in a few years. i still need to get some shit out of my system, and she still needs to graduate and situate. but, we're serious. and it's awesome. we've already started saving money, and everything. it feels good to finally have a little bit of direction. i think for the both of us. i'm proud, and my life is going to be the kind of life that makes somebody happy. and, i won't need stuff like this anymore. i'm confident of that.
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Saturday, January 17th, 2009
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which sucks, because i passed out in my clothes and i'm kinda hot and uncomfortable. i had a dream that my landlord had unexpectedly made my bathroom awesome. there was a shiny counter, and medicine cabinets. and it was clean. oh, well. i don't like being home in the morning. it's weird. something about the way the light seeps in is kinda depressing. maybe that's why i would always crash at other peoples' houses. that, and the whole comfort in discomfort thing.
i feel gross right now. i don't really know what i want to take from my experiences, lately. i just do things. i, justin, do things. it's like a diet version of myself last year, because i'm not quite as depressed. just the general shit. i feel good, when i feel good about myself. nothing else really gets me down but me. well, not always. but, y'know.
"people kill me these days. there's keys in their eyes, but they're locked from the inside."
i feel like i'm only attracted to my friends. maybe it's because portland is so incestuous. it's seeping in, like that insipid light. only not quite as unappetizing. it's not so much sloppy seconds, as it is a trickle-down effect. sexonomics.
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i feel sorta empty today. my back really hurts. i need to get laid in 2009.
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but the christmas lights are off. i fell on my ass tonight. i can tell it's really gonna hurt in the morning. that's what i get, though. who wants to read about happy shit, anyway?
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